Often times clients ask me, “How do I quickly reconnect with my alienated child?” I give the same answer every time, “Slow and Steady.” I remind my alienated parents that the alienation did not occur overnight and therefore it cannot be untangled overnight. As anything that truly holds in life, a process needs to take place.
Take a minute to think about how your alienation situation occurred. I am sure you will realize is was not instantly. It probably was a slow gradual process where your children began to pull away slowly. They began to become angry towards you, disrespectful and then belligerent.
Ultimately this process often ends in them pulling away completely, leaving you feeling devastated and helpless. The truth is that you really are not helpless but you probably are sending yourself this negative message. More than likely you are extremely scared which leads you to sink into a panic. Panic often leads us to make impulsive decisions. Guess what? Your alienator is counting on you to become panicked and fall into the trap he or she has set for you.
They expect that through your actions you will make things worse for you and your children. For example , the alienator tells your children that you cannot control your temper. When your children are with you, you actually do raise your voice a few times because your child is not listening. It is nothing out of the ordinary like many other parents do ,yet it confirms to the children that you do yell like the alienator claims, thus you just confirmed what the alienator told your child and your child pulls away more.
So what can you do to stop the powerlessness you are feeling? You can change your mindset. It is important to realize that everything you are doing with your kids while the alienation is going on is being scrutinized and reported back to the alienator by your child. Unfortunately, you are being watched. Of course, this is not fair but it is your reality.
As a targeted parent, it is crucial that you realize you are being watched so that you do not keep sending your alienator ammunition to make their case against you to your children. Your mindset, therefore, is to give your children and their alienator the opposite of what they expect from you. This can be difficult. It takes a great deal of self-control and discipline, however, it can change your alienation situation.
Here are three ways to change your mindset regarding your alienation situation.