Your Mindset Can Change Your Parent Alienation Situation

Often times clients ask me, “How do I quickly reconnect with my alienated child?” I give the same answer every time, “Slow and Steady.” I remind my alienated parents that the alienation did not occur overnight and therefore it cannot be untangled overnight. As anything that truly holds in life, a process needs to take place.

Take a minute to think about how your alienation situation occurred. I am sure you will realize is was not instantly. It probably was a slow gradual process where your children began to pull away slowly. They began to become angry towards you, disrespectful and then belligerent.

Ultimately this process often ends in them pulling away completely, leaving you feeling devastated and helpless. The truth is that you really are not helpless but you probably are sending yourself this negative message. More than likely you are extremely scared which leads you to sink into a panic. Panic often leads us to make impulsive decisions. Guess what? Your alienator is counting on you to become panicked and fall into the trap he or she has set for you.

They expect that through your actions you will make things worse for you and your children. For example , the alienator tells your children that you cannot control your temper. When your children are with you, you actually do raise your voice a few times because your child is not listening. It is nothing out of the ordinary like many other parents do ,yet it confirms to the children that you do yell like the alienator claims, thus you just confirmed what the alienator told your child and  your child pulls away more.

So what can you do to stop the powerlessness you are feeling? You can change your mindset. It is important to realize that everything you are doing with your kids while the alienation is going on is being scrutinized and reported back to the alienator by your child. Unfortunately,  you are being watched. Of course, this is not fair but it is your reality.

As a targeted parent, it is crucial that you realize you are being watched so that you do not keep sending your alienator ammunition to make their case against you to your children. Your mindset, therefore, is to give your children and their alienator the opposite of what they expect from you. This can be difficult. It takes a great deal of self-control and discipline, however, it can change your alienation situation.

Here are three ways to change your mindset regarding your alienation situation.

  1. I can control my actions: You will never be able to control the alienator’s actions towards you. You can, however, change your responses to him or her. This takes discipline on your part and a lot of thought checking but it can be done. Your alienator’s goal is to stir up drama. Your goal is to disengage. If your children are testing their limits with you and your ex is unreasonable, you are still responsible for how you respond. Your behavior is under your control.
  2. I will not give my alienator evidence:Be your child’s best role model. Provide them with unconditional love instead of the conditional love your alienator is providing. When you accept your child openly and do not feed into his or her drama, there is nothing they can report back to the alienator.
  3. I will take responsibility: Parents are not perfect. We can yell and be critical. We may not think that our actions are hurtful to our kids but they may think differently. They have their own perceptions. It is very important for a targeted parent to take responsibility for upsetting their children. Taking responsibility means accepting both your strengths and weaknesses. It means acknowledging that you caused your child pain.

 

 

 

 

 

2 Comments

  1. Sam says:

    Please help me empower others so we can help each other

  2. Linda says:

    I appreciate the advice found throughout this blog, and it took me a few months after my separation to learn the power of not responding to disparaging comments. And most importantly accepting their father’s behaviors are out of my control especially when our children are in his care. My marriage included emotional and physical abuse, which our children witnessed and our older children suffered. I would greatly appreciate a post with advice on co-parenting after Domestic Violence. Communicating with with a parent, who struggles to place their child’s needs before their desires is challenging–and invokes anger.

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