Change Your Mindset Change Your Circumstances
Often clients ask me, “How do I quickly reconnect with my alienated child?” I give the same answer every time, "slow and steady," with a reminder that alienation did not occur overnight and therefore it cannot be untangled immediately.
I want you to remember that you are not helpless in this situation. More than likely you are extremely scared which leads to panic. Panic often leads us to make impulsive decisions and guess what? Your alienator is counting on you to become panicked and fall into the trap he or she has set for you. They expect that you will make things worse for you and your children through your actions. For example, the alienator tells your children that you cannot control your temper. When your children are with you, you do raise your voice a few times because your child is not listening. It is nothing out of the ordinary like many other parents do, yet it confirms to the children that you do yell like the alienator claims, thus you just confirmed what the alienator told your child and your child pulls away more.
So what can you do to stop the powerlessness you are feeling? You can change your mindset. It is important to realize that everything you are doing with your kids while the alienation is going on is being scrutinized and reported back to the alienator by your child. Unfortunately, you are being watched. Of course, this is not fair but it is your reality.
As a targeted parent, it is crucial that you realize you are being watched so that you do not keep sending your alienator ammunition to make their case against you to your children. Your mindset, therefore, is to give your children and their alienator the opposite of what they expect from you. This can be difficult. It takes a great deal of self-control and discipline, however, it can change your alienation situation.
Here are three ways to change your mindset regarding your alienation situation
I can control my actions: You will never be able to control the alienator's actions towards you. You can, however, change your responses to him or her. This takes discipline on your part and a lot of thought-checking but it can be done. Your alienator's goal is to stir up drama. Your goal is to disengage. If your children are testing their limits with you and your ex is unreasonable, you are still responsible for how you respond. Your behavior is under your control.
I will not give my alienator evidence: Be your child's best role model. Provide them with unconditional love instead of conditional love. When you accept your child openly and do not feed into drama, there is nothing he or she can report back to the alienator.
I will take responsibility: Parents are not perfect. We can yell and be critical. We may not think that our actions are hurtful to our kids, but they think differently. They have their perceptions. A targeted parent needs to take responsibility for upsetting their children. Taking responsibility means accepting both your strengths and weaknesses. It means acknowledging that you may have caused your child pain.
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