The Difficulties of A High Conflict Divorce
Navigating through a high conflict divorce is extremely difficult. Navigating through a custody battle where you are alienated from your children can seem impossible. You want instant gratification and you do not know where or whom you should turn to for help. Do these circumstances sound familiar to you?
Every day as a certified parenting coach in high conflict divorce, I hear from parents who are desperate to stop their narcissistic ex from alienating their children. What many people do not understand is that their so-called narcissist ex is doing this for a reason and it is usually because they want something from you. I always ask my clients, "What does your ex want from you, and if he or she got it would they stop all of this chaos?" People usually respond very quickly with, "He or she wants to destroy me." That may be true but I promise you that is not truly what he or she wants.
If you know anything about narcissism, then you know that narcissists love playing the victim role and see you as the aggressor. They simply do not believe that they have done anything wrong and everything is your fault. Knowing this, there is no point in arguing that you are right and he or she is wrong. You will never win that battle and will waste tons of time, money, and energy trying to get something that is impossible. Instead, your narcissist wants to hear that he or she is truly special and amazing. Yet, so many people keep trying to reason with their narcissists. Please stop doing that because I promise you it will not work.
What Your Narcissistic Ex Wants Is (Please try to refrain from laughing)
Consideration of his or her feelings I know you are laughing now but I am serious. When your narcissist sees you as the aggressor he or she sees you as having no compassion for what they have gone through. A little compassion from you will go a long, long way in keeping your narcissist under wraps.
You don't do everything wrong You are mad and aggravated with how your ex is treating you and you want to convey that message to him or her. Wrong move. All that does is fuel the fire and provide the narcissist with the chaos he or she desires. Choose to relay messages to your ex in a positive way and see what you get back.
Apologies Yes, they want you to say you are sorry. So, if you have a pride problem, please get over it because it is hurting you here in getting what you need from your narcissist. Believe me when I tell you that you were not always an angel in your marriage. It takes two to get married and two to get divorced.
Respect Another laughable moment for you I'm sure. Respect however is what a narcissist wants from you. He or she wants acknowledgment for what they think they have done right.
Remember, when your narcissistic ex-spouse does not get what they feel they deserve from you, they become more aggravated and aggressive. They feel that they have to punish you for not giving them what they want. This fuels him or her to unfortunately play hardball and use your kids as their weapons.
When it comes to parental alienation in high conflict divorces, it is always the alienated parent that has to do the repair work. This may seem extremely unfair to you, but it is well worth it when you repair your relationship with your alienated children. So please look at these tips as strategies to bring you closer to your children. Sometimes giving a little helps you gain a lot.
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